I almost deleted the whole blog today.
It’s so far behind, and I’m really ashamed, because it’s not even like I have a valid excuse. I haven’t been sick, or caring for somebody who is. I haven’t been wrangling a family, or juggling a job with safety precautions. I’ve just been…doing stuff. And the stuff seems to eat up my days. I get up, clean up, get dressed, and the next thing I know it’s getting dark and where the heck did those hours go?
Time is weird right now. I know I’ve griped about that before, but that doesn’t make up for me not doing things I feel like I ought to. On the other hand, it’s not like I’m imparting any great wisdom here, right? Nobody is following my little blog faithfully looking for tidbits of knowledge. Since mom passed, it feels sometimes like my purpose for it is gone. When I started blogging and she was living with me, I was talking about the challenges of dementia, of caregiving, and of trying to keep myself human in the midst of that storm. When she moved out and into long term care, the focus shifted to reclaiming my life and balancing that with the ongoing need for me to be a part of her care squad.
After she was gone, I wrote more about me, about getting myself stable and ready to get back into the world, into the work force. Then of course came Miss Rona and screwed the pooch on all our fronts. You would think stuck at home again I’d be blogging all day, but…I don’t know. Other things keep claiming my interest, or end up taking much longer to do than I expect: everything from more unexpected paperwork related to transferring my parents’ property to my name, to renewing my insurance (thanks Obama! No, seriously, thanks. If it wasn’t for ACA I’d be up the proverbial creek without the proverbial paddle.) to sending secret pal swaps (assembling them while going out as little as possible, and then having to go around and around with the thoroughly screwed-up post office).
I have been learning some new skills. Still on my online French lessons, and developed interests in carnivorous plants,
and making hot sauce, to name a few.
Yes, I strained it after taking this picture. I left the seeds in for a couple of days after fermenting and blending, to give it a bit more of a kick; but it’s surprisingly tasty, which is my jam, rather than hot for hot’s sake. I scored a bag full of jalapenos on sale at the grocery, made salsa with some, poppers with some more (got those a little too hot, and ended up turning them into soup!) then tried this with the rest.
I don’t binge watch TV or movies nearly as much as apparently everybody else on the planet does, but I have a lot of different writing projects in the queue. Some of the time, I know, gets lost to internet-roaming, or doomscrolling, and it’s hard to force myself not to do those. Sliding down a rabbit hole is so easy, and not a bad thing in and of itself. I watch a documentary and find myself googling, or checking the online stacks of my local library, for books to read more about the topic I just watched. Then more often than not, I stumble across another interesting topic and veer off down that tangent. I just want to kick myself off and back to what I feel like I SHOULD be doing. Maybe that’s a problem in itself, though?
There’s probably a point to this, but really it’s just me venting at the moment. A little bit angry with myself for not having it as tough as a lot of folks do—isn’t that ridiculous? I do feel like I should be doing more, though I remind myself that I am. I cleaned out the garage, finally put away my old stereo that quit working, have my holiday gifts in order and ready to wrap this afternoon. Ironic, that I’ve told folks online countless times this year to be kind to themselves, to treat themselves as they would a dear friend, to not be hard on themselves for not being productive, and as I write this, I’m realizing that as people so often do, I haven’t been taking my own advice.
I’m not depressed, as far as I can tell, the way some folks I know online describe being. When I wake up in the morning, I always have a list of things in my head that I want to do that day. Granted, they are things like ‘make these phone calls’, ‘watch this stuff I recorded so I can clear off my dvr’, ‘finish knitting/crocheting/cross stitching this gift for X’ ‘start reading this book’ ‘prune the rosebushes’ ‘drive thru the bank/drugstore/post office’. Et cetera, et cetera. LOL. This is what I mean when I say, I look back at a given day and I go ‘I should have gotten more done, why didn’t I?’ And probably, I should not be doing that.
Well, enough of my bitching. Hanukkah just ended, Christmas is coming, as is Yule, and holy crap it’s almost the end of the dumpster fire that is 2020. I haven’t even posted since before Labor Day. (thinks back) What can I catch y’all up on? Dragon Con was fun, though online obviously. I usually do a lot of my holiday shopping there, and still did a bit, but having to pay to have things shipped to me took a bit of the luster off that. What I did instead was, I got ideas for projects from the online vendors, and since I was already at home with my craft room stuffed full of supplies, I made some gifts. Which, I always do, but got more motivation and inspiration being able to bounce between con-mode and maker-mode instantly.
My book was supposed to come out in October, you may recall, but covid has messed up everybody’s timelines including my publisher. He said he would release me from the contract, but I like working with him, so I said that wasn’t necessary right now. It’s been bumped to March, so I will keep you posted! In the meantime, I’m still trying to wade through my awful handwriting in the first draft I found for the sequel to King’s Game, and writing fanfic on the side to keep myself sharp and entertained.
Election came and went, thank heavens.
The classical radio station I like went online only last month, so I got myself an early Christmas present in the form of a Bluetooth speaker. It’s no bigger than a tall boy beer can, but puts out great sound, so I can listen to anything that’s online via my phone without having to put up with the phone’s tiny tinny speaker!
Besides Dragon Con, I participated in Burning Man online, as well as several charitable fundraisers, classes, book discussions, and general hangouts; another online craft auction for charity (the annual Marvel Trumps Hate) and the GISH scavenger hunt.
Last post, I believe I threatened to build my own miniature Burning Man and hold a backyard burn. Here he is. :D and yes, I put him in a grill full of charcoal, which he ignited, so I could cook out afterwards. hehe
A couple of the items I offered for MTH: a doll of Hawkeye, and earrings of Dragonfang, the sword of the Valkyries!
Anyway, I don’t know if this rant did anything for any of you all, but it did do a bit for me. I’m going to resolve to take my own advice and be a bit kinder to myself, and if any of you are having similar thoughts, I suggest you do the same. Thanks for being such good listeners. LOLOL. Take precautions, stay safe and well, and I promise to stay in touch.